Hope is Sublime

Hope is sublime when it is experienced as positive pain…

but sometimes it is nice to hope when one is not caught in that in-between place that has no root, that hollow, that emptiness, that in-between place that is lost in a pattern before the relation of value wants or can be assessed.

Sometimes it is nice to hope when a hope is realistic, when the hope is simple, when the hope is there for the taking and wants to be took. The hope is only sublime when we are offered a glimpse at the answer that evades our natural grasp…

but sometimes the grasp that holds the answer is simply saying not to hope, for to continue to hope would mean to exist in the intangible world; a world where there is no thingness, only experience through imagination.

See text Ethics of the Sublime in Post Modern Culture Emily Lutzker

(Atmospheric) Two-Way Radios

A two-way radio that is always switched on will always be difficult to leave, but some things simply have to be left behind. She had come to this conclusion after two years of waiting for a man that never had the guts to do anything. Big G, as she called him had worked at the same place, and had sometimes made excuses to pass her office stopping to say hello or just to check that she was in. He nonetheless seemed to bounce between being a little boy and being impenetrable, almost like he was scared to let himself go. He often hid behind an air of superiority, like a teacher does to separate themselves from pupils. She had however tried to give him hints and messages to indicate the depth of feeling she had for him, hoping that this would reassure his confidence. Continuing to be her friendly and mischievous self, she had once quite abruptly asked him to dinner via email… he was busy of course; but a few days after he had textually rejected her she felt an impromptu pain in her heart which lasted all day. Sometimes she felt that he was there with her, it was not so much a sexual feeling but a deep care. She could feel his presence around her, their eyes meeting, some strange feeling passing between them and a tentative moment where their faces met. On the odd occasion that they were alone and not talking about work, his guard slipped, this strange energy meeting for real. Their eyes connected allowing a slow rush that moved from her head through her spine over her breasts and nipples into her hips, the warm feeling lingering around her inner thighs and vulva. She flushed with embarrassment, could not look him in the eyes and as her mind went blank, was at a loss for words. She had never experienced this in her life before. With her partner she had had a connection, but it was one of friendship and trust, a safety embedded in familiar cultural backgrounds, certainly not one of intellect and this apparent level of connective telepathy. She knew that this could grow into something special and was prepared to put up with his seriousness, knowing that her light-hearted optimism could provide counterbalance. She knew that he understood her inquisitiveness and her need to experience work that took her away from home. She was aware that the passionate gypsy side of her character both unnerved and attracted him, but she thought that his working-class background would be able to understand her past, her need for fun and her flirtatious nature. She diligently waited for him to make a move even though he worked away for weeks at a time. Yet after months of hoping and anticipation had passed, the feelings of pleasure, goodness and understanding that she had felt towards him started to turn into defensiveness and hurt. Her suffering wait for him to decide started to become obvious, his ostrich tendencies only exacerbating the situation. An emotional ineptness at saying how he felt came across as dismissive, and his apparent ignorance of the depth of her affection started to eat away at her happy nature. She began to feel like he was using her fondness, stringing her along as a potential backburner for the future, perhaps hoping that she would accept this without question and not rock any boat at work that may have jeopardised his valuable position. This lack of judgment poked deep into the psyche of her loyalty, seemingly questioning her trustfulness and honesty. For one year she cried into her pillow at nights and awoke at first light to saturate the pillow again with the initial tears of the day. Her heart stretched with pain and frustration at a situation she felt she could not change. Trapped in a place of work with no escape or way of explaining a lingering torment, caught in a circle of thinking she cared for someone who could not bring themselves to reveal their intentions, she made the decision to leave, and with it, a decision never to see him again.

The two-way radio that is always switched on will always be difficult to leave. It takes guts to switch it off, and strength to leave the handset on the sidewalk for the next person to pick up… but some things simply have to be left behind.

Come back, I miss you.

Deep Love

He kept coming to sit beside her to talk, thinking that because she was on her own she needed the company. All he was doing however was interrupting her reading. With nothing really in common, she humored him, knowing that if she played along he would eventually go away. She mentioned going into the water, the sea always inviting. It was hard to miss the big flippers leaning against her chair, and after a glance in their direction, he offered to take her snorkeling. She paused for a second; the last thing she wanted to do was to play fake courtly games whilst in her beloved water. However like a dolphin she longed for fun, to spin around in aqua bliss with a mate, play tag, race, squeak. For days now she had been diving progressively deeper, and by holding her breath, had reached the edge of the reef shelf, too scared to go any further on her own.

He was already waiting when she got to edge of the pier, insisting he help her adjust her mask after they were both in the water. With hands on her face and his body deliberately pressing against hers, he tried to kiss her. Instinctively turning away, she took a dive and submerged herself, hoping that he would follow. He didn’t. Instead he waited till she came to the surface then took her hand, pulling her progressively away from the shore. She was relaxing. He took her other hand and pulled the loose arm over his shoulders. Beneath them the reef shelf started to drop away, revealing the darker blue of vastness. Her hand gently moved over his shoulder to touch his chest, his thick neck reassuring with its strength. She had hardly been this close to a man in years; choosing to stay alone after her husband had left, too scared to give herself to anyone she did not truly care about. The blue got deeper. Their bodies brushed together. Legs moving through one another, tangled fins, breathing the only sound. He half turned around, and unable to kiss each other their necks touched. Faces gently caressed, her hand running its way from the base of his back up over his shoulder and along the arm, revealing the whole of her torso to his. His hair, cropped short to his head weaved into her fingers, the movement slowed down by the thickness of the water. She wanted and needed. She longed. Looking into the blue she imagined taking a breath and diving down hand in hand, together like dolphins exploring the deep.

Forgetting the threshold they would love each other forever; remembering it, they would fall out of love as soon as they came up for air.

Realisations

when someone is not the person you thought they were

Always In-between

atlantic pacific indian arctic atlantic

dreams

i had a dream last night that you came to see me then told me you had got married you were looking at me with doe eyes and blinking at me like a child who needed attention i looked at your hand with the ring on and ignored what you had said and just got on with what i was doing as i did not want to seem unprofessional but that was the question really wasn’t it whether or not i would retain my professional stance and still work with you however some thing was lost forever something far more important than work something that was fundamental to the equilibrium of every human relationship that border had been crossed and i would never think of you in the same way my unconventional life and the lessons that i had had to learn by experience had taught me how to value my self worth and protect my vulnerable heart so i silently got on with the day helping you and prepared myself to say goodbye

some things are better left unsaid

A Two-Way Thing (becoming one way or ‘A Kind of Loving’)

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Don’t Die Just Yet